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Lost in the Fog.
Today was bizzare. I have literally been feeling so out of my own body and mind that it is somehow causing me physical symtoms. For example, I am so spacey and "out of it" all the time that my vision actually becomes blurry and I start to feel dizzy! I don't know what's up? I just want to feel normal again and pick myself up from this downward decline that I feel i am descending into.
Anyway, Last week I shot for this magazine called Mirage. I had never heard of it previously but, it's an awesome magazine. It is pretty artsy and unpretentious yet, the fashion and photograhpy and styling is provactive, thought provoking, and the concepts of each shoot tell a story like a good editorial should. I just love how all the editorials look very untouched and raw. It's as if the photogrpaher is spying on the shocked models. I like that vibe
Last week, we shot an editorial with a theme of like this drunken sleepover party. It was such a fun shoot and the concept was pretty brilliant, I thought. We were all sprawled out in lingerie/bikins or in the shower (with five girls) sounds trashy but, the in which it was shot should be pretty rad.
You remind me of the rain.
Okay. So perhaps my melancholy mood of the ast week is due to this gloomy june gloom weather, but it is the first week of summer, all of my friends are back from college and I am supposed to be in a joyous mood, or at least remotely excited and motivated to party. But I have just been feeling so unmotivated to do anything other than catch up on sleep (or attempt to that is.) My past month was amzazing. I was the happiest I had been in so long. I was seeing this great guy, working enough, having fun on the weekends, and somehow managing to enjoy myself at school. I also found myself really inspired to stop/improve some of my vices and bad habbits. But now, i feel as if everything has just fallen apart and I am drowning myself in my negative thoughts. It is just so ironic because about 2 weeks ago, I was so on top of the moon, I kept asking myself, why i deserved to be so happy when everything usually doesn't work out for me. Of course, I reassured myself that I deserved this after everything I had been through the past year. But then BOOM eveyrthing always seems to deteriorate all at once with no warning. I guess this is known as the "ups and downs" in life. But im sick of being stuck in the down mode. I'm starting to wonder if all my issues and sadness are self imposed or if i just truely have the absolute worst luck on the planet!!! I have come to the concusion that perhaps all of my negative energy and doubtful thoughts have somehow attracted these negative occurences in my life.
Fortunately, I write better and am more inspired when I am depressed. I mean, how am i suposed to write a meaningful poem when I am happy as can be?
I am just tired of having that sinking, broken hearted feeling in the pit of my stomach and staring off into space wondering what's so wrong with me.
Maybe I'm what's so wrong with me.
Lately, I have been very intrigued by astrology. But, not just the vague online ones, I have been reasearching the background of it as well. It is so interesting and incredibly complex notion, that many people overlook. About a month ago, I had an amazing (and don't laugh!) experience with psychic when visiting one of my best friends Thea in Long Beach. It was so much more insightful than I figured it would be. However, I got so much more out of it than just a simple life prediction. Rather, it served more as like an insightful therapy session or something. It was really great and I got some wonderful advice and some gruelling questions that I had had for so long answered. Anway, here is my horoscope for the week....
What's out at the beginning of the week: mixed messages, avoiding the issue, rushing. What's in: being focused, sharing feelings, finding out more! You'll love looking and learning once you stop to do it, and whoever's on the receiving end of your attention will be lucky indeed. To understand (and enjoy) what's really going on starting around Thursday evening, you'll need to be engaged, active and ready for anything. Looks can be deceiving now and through the weekend. Hold your judgment and have fun with it, but get to the heart, too.
HMMMM...well i hope something will become clear! I am sick of the game and i think i've lost.
