Often I talk about getting to I Do but I haven't yet dissected some of the questions people are asked when going to premarital counseling. We all know with the skyrocketing divorce rates over 50% of marriages end in divorce both contested and uncontested for one reason or another, but I wonder just how many of those people took the time during their courting to discuss ALL the below listed questions that are asked during your counseling session. If you haven't discussed most of them I can see how you both would walk away from a session feeling like you just got divorced even prior to being married based on your partners response. BUT as the ole saying goes, "Its better late than never," to discuss these topics before there are joint bank accounts, a mortgage, children and combined families involved. Take a few minutes to read them over and answer to yourself. Get an idea of what your response might be and then ask yourself if you think your partners response would be in line with your ideas of a future marriage together. This may even be a good exercise for you two to do together. Try it, turn off the reality tv and have a conversation. I have even emailed these same questions to an ex a few years ago and needless to say we never discussed them as he thought it was doing too much lol You may just be in for a surprise too. :0) :0( Relationship • Do you love and trust your fiancé? • How will you make decisions once you are married? • How would you handle/settle an argument? • What do you do if you cannot agree? • Is it hard to say please, thank you and I'm sorry? • When you are ill, how much sympathy and attention do you desire? • How would you handle end-of-life decisions and life insurance? • How will you relate to in-laws, opposite-sex friends, ex-spouse or children from previous relationships after you are married? • Do you believe your fiancé will be faithful? • Can you see yourselves growing old together? • Is your fiancé an honest and truthful person? • How do you show each other affection? • Is your fiancé kind, gentle and understanding of children, co-workers and family? Finances • Who will be the primary financial provider in the family? • Do you support your fiancé’s career? • How will you decide on what major purchases to make? • Who will pay the bills and keep the checkbook? • What is your philosophy of giving to your church or other charitable organizations? • What are your thoughts about the use of credit cards? • If either you or your spouse lost your job, what budget items would you cut? • Will you have joint savings and checking accounts? • Have you created a family budget? • What percentage of your income will go toward home, car, groceries, utilities etc? Home • Where do you want to live and in what setting would you want to live (city, suburb, small town, rural, plains, mountains, desert, coastal, etc.) • What do you expect your marriage and standard of living to be like after five years? • How soon after you are married do you expect to have your home reasonably furnished? • Will you do your own home maintenance? • Who will do the landscaping? Housekeeping • Who will prepare each meal and what types of food will you eat? • How often will you eat out? • Who will do the laundry and ironing? • Who will go purchase groceries? • Who will make sure general automobile maintenance is done? • Who will do general household cleaning and bed making? • Who will wash and dry the dishes? • Do you want a pet in the home? If so, what type? Children and Parenting • What is your attitude towards children? • When will you begin having children and how many? • What would you do if you cannot conceive children of your own? • What is your view on abortion and birth control? • Who will be the primary caregiver of your children? • How will you discipline them? • Who will be the primary disciplinarian? • Will your children do chores? • Will they receive an allowance and how much? • How will you deal with children from a previous marriage? • How will you deal with issues at their school? Social Activities/Church • Do you share the same beliefs? • Will you attend the same house of worship? • What will you teach your children regarding your faith? • What hobbies or recreational activities will you pursue individually, together and how often? • How will your personal friendships (his/her friends) change after marriage? • How do you feel about alcoholic beverages, smoking and guns in your home? • Where will you spend the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries? • Will you both have certain times to spend with your own friends? • Will you be joining any social clubs? Red Flags • Your fiancé seems to be irrationally jealous of friends, family or past relationships. • Your fiancé is prone to extreme emotional outbursts and mood swings. • Your fiancé displays controlling/smothering behavior. • Your fiancé is unable to hold a job. • Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. • Your fiancé exhibits dishonesty. • Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. • Your fiancé is overly dependent on others for money. • Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse towards you or others. • Your fiancé displays signs of drug/alcohol abuse Do you agree with the questions being asked of you if you are at the point of engagement? Do you think this is prying too much into your life? How so or how not? Signing off, Lipstick Diva
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Premarital Counseling
Often I talk about getting to I Do but I haven't yet dissected some of the questions people are asked when going to premarital counseling. We all know with the skyrocketing divorce rates over 50% of marriages end in divorce both contested and uncontested for one reason or another, but I wonder just how many of those people took the time during their courting to discuss ALL the below listed questions that are asked during your counseling session. If you haven't discussed most of them I can see how you both would walk away from a session feeling like you just got divorced even prior to being married based on your partners response. BUT as the ole saying goes, "Its better late than never," to discuss these topics before there are joint bank accounts, a mortgage, children and combined families involved. Take a few minutes to read them over and answer to yourself. Get an idea of what your response might be and then ask yourself if you think your partners response would be in line with your ideas of a future marriage together. This may even be a good exercise for you two to do together. Try it, turn off the reality tv and have a conversation. I have even emailed these same questions to an ex a few years ago and needless to say we never discussed them as he thought it was doing too much lol You may just be in for a surprise too. :0) :0( Relationship • Do you love and trust your fiancé? • How will you make decisions once you are married? • How would you handle/settle an argument? • What do you do if you cannot agree? • Is it hard to say please, thank you and I'm sorry? • When you are ill, how much sympathy and attention do you desire? • How would you handle end-of-life decisions and life insurance? • How will you relate to in-laws, opposite-sex friends, ex-spouse or children from previous relationships after you are married? • Do you believe your fiancé will be faithful? • Can you see yourselves growing old together? • Is your fiancé an honest and truthful person? • How do you show each other affection? • Is your fiancé kind, gentle and understanding of children, co-workers and family? Finances • Who will be the primary financial provider in the family? • Do you support your fiancé’s career? • How will you decide on what major purchases to make? • Who will pay the bills and keep the checkbook? • What is your philosophy of giving to your church or other charitable organizations? • What are your thoughts about the use of credit cards? • If either you or your spouse lost your job, what budget items would you cut? • Will you have joint savings and checking accounts? • Have you created a family budget? • What percentage of your income will go toward home, car, groceries, utilities etc? Home • Where do you want to live and in what setting would you want to live (city, suburb, small town, rural, plains, mountains, desert, coastal, etc.) • What do you expect your marriage and standard of living to be like after five years? • How soon after you are married do you expect to have your home reasonably furnished? • Will you do your own home maintenance? • Who will do the landscaping? Housekeeping • Who will prepare each meal and what types of food will you eat? • How often will you eat out? • Who will do the laundry and ironing? • Who will go purchase groceries? • Who will make sure general automobile maintenance is done? • Who will do general household cleaning and bed making? • Who will wash and dry the dishes? • Do you want a pet in the home? If so, what type? Children and Parenting • What is your attitude towards children? • When will you begin having children and how many? • What would you do if you cannot conceive children of your own? • What is your view on abortion and birth control? • Who will be the primary caregiver of your children? • How will you discipline them? • Who will be the primary disciplinarian? • Will your children do chores? • Will they receive an allowance and how much? • How will you deal with children from a previous marriage? • How will you deal with issues at their school? Social Activities/Church • Do you share the same beliefs? • Will you attend the same house of worship? • What will you teach your children regarding your faith? • What hobbies or recreational activities will you pursue individually, together and how often? • How will your personal friendships (his/her friends) change after marriage? • How do you feel about alcoholic beverages, smoking and guns in your home? • Where will you spend the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries? • Will you both have certain times to spend with your own friends? • Will you be joining any social clubs? Red Flags • Your fiancé seems to be irrationally jealous of friends, family or past relationships. • Your fiancé is prone to extreme emotional outbursts and mood swings. • Your fiancé displays controlling/smothering behavior. • Your fiancé is unable to hold a job. • Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. • Your fiancé exhibits dishonesty. • Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. • Your fiancé is overly dependent on others for money. • Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse towards you or others. • Your fiancé displays signs of drug/alcohol abuse Do you agree with the questions being asked of you if you are at the point of engagement? Do you think this is prying too much into your life? How so or how not? Signing off, Lipstick Diva
