Let me preface this post by stating that I am NO expert in relationships whatsoever, this is just my opinion on dating and getting to "I Do" inspired by a note I read on Facebook yesterday. Thanks Jeanine for sharing ;0)
At this stage in my engagement I am researching a therapist for couples therapy, not because we are having issues but because I want to prevent unnecessary issues that may arise in marriage. Plus being a self proclaimed Psychologist lol by major, I tend to over analyze things a tab bit "0) and it is healthy and highly recommended before walking down the aisle to attend several sessions of couples therapy or pre-marital counseling.
Moving right along, when dating you might ask yourself along the way 'Is this person my soulmate?' or 'Can I see myself with them FOREVER?' and you mentally conjure up a laundry list of pros and cons to decide. If the man decides YES she is the ONE and you accept before considering these questions you may be apart of the 50%+ divorce rate. Love alone does not build a happy home, but what does you ask? Read on for the deets.
Here are the top 5 questions you should ask yourself before accepting a proposal:
1. What do we have in common?
If your idea of marriage is FOREVER like mine then you need to have some things in common that you share creating an eternal bond between the two of you. These commonalities should coincide with your life goals for the family. Over a span of 30+ years a couple can either grow & build together or divide and grow apart. Start your relationship dating conversations with discussing how you perceive your life to be once married, once children become apart of the picture, do you want to own pets and whose responsibility will they be, how to divide household chores, financial decision making, traveling if that is important to you, how to spend holidays with whose families, when and how often, where will you live, will you stay at home after birth, if you do NOT want children be sure to tell this upfront don't wait until after you are married as that is very deceptive. These questions may seem commonplace but if you just assume and then discover AFTER marriage that you don't agree on any of them you are in for a very bumpy ride.
2. Do we practice Open Communication?
In marriage you need to have a transparent relationship. There should be no secrets and if you have some deep, dark skeletons in your closet I would suggest you do some soul searching on how to delve within and disclose them to your partner in a comfortable environment. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with your partner. 'No judgement.'
3. Is my partner a decent and honorable person?
"The power we exert over the future behavior of our children is enormous. Even after they have left home, even after we have left the world, there will always be part of us that will remain with them forever. "
How will you know if your partner is a mensch? You do so by watching their actions not just by their words. I chose this quote because for those wanting children, your partner will automatically pass down their characteristics and traits to them. Be sure they possess generational worthy qualities.
4. This leads me to the next question: How does this person treat others?
What does this person do with their time? How do they treat people in service related fields? Do they often have negative comments to say about strangers or do they compliment them? Are they regularly striving towards self improvement or do they find comfort in complacency?
5. Altar does not equate to Alter
Ask yourself if you are hoping to change a few things about your partner. Now don't get me wrong we all have our little quirks that may or may not annoy another person. You may like cooking naked but he finds it unsanitary, you may like eating on the sofa but he prefers the diningtable, you may prefer to clean up everyday as needed and he may want to wait until the weekends, you prefer to pay your bills upon receipt and he may like to wait until he can get around to it.....
Let your intention be to grow together. Be the ying to his yang and help make him a better person not necessarily the personYOU want him to be.
Finally it pays to be openminded and objective. If you're in your 30s and still 'looking' for Mr. or Mrs. Right I guarantee if you dwindle down your Must Have's list you will soon find there are alot more options out there than you thought. Firstly learn to LOVE yourself inside and out then you will attract a mate that can love you too. ;0)
A great book given to me by my dear friend Erika Hill during one of my troubled past relationships is, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary D. Chapman. This comes HIGHLY recommended by me. Read it, learn your love language, ask your partner theirs and practice them daily.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
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Signing off,
Lipstick Diva
5. Altar does not equate to Alter
Ask yourself if you are hoping to change a few things about your partner. Now don't get me wrong we all have our little quirks that may or may not annoy another person. You may like cooking naked but he finds it unsanitary, you may like eating on the sofa but he prefers the diningtable, you may prefer to clean up everyday as needed and he may want to wait until the weekends, you prefer to pay your bills upon receipt and he may like to wait until he can get around to it.....
Let your intention be to grow together. Be the ying to his yang and help make him a better person not necessarily the person
Finally it pays to be openminded and objective. If you're in your 30s and still 'looking' for Mr. or Mrs. Right I guarantee if you dwindle down your Must Have's list you will soon find there are alot more options out there than you thought. Firstly learn to LOVE yourself inside and out then you will attract a mate that can love you too. ;0)
A great book given to me by my dear friend Erika Hill during one of my troubled past relationships is, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary D. Chapman. This comes HIGHLY recommended by me. Read it, learn your love language, ask your partner theirs and practice them daily.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Signing off,
Lipstick Diva
