So I finished watching the bonus trailer for Loving & Cheating last night and boy o boy. They interviewed a few more relationship advice columnist, sex experts and counselors on the subject of monogamy. One couple had a very bumpy first 5 years of marriage because when she met him he was a male gigolo so naturally he still felt the urge to be with other women. Every 6 months like clockwork he would purposefully pick a fight and bounce on her for 6 months at a time to go live with another woman. Then one day she took herself on a trip to the islands and slept with another man, her husband called and asked if she had been unfaithful, she says YEP sure did and when she came home he brought his happy ass back to their marital home. See sometimes you have to turn the mirror on the person dishing the blows in order for them to feel the real ramifications of their actions. That woman must REALLY love her husband to have put up with him dipping out on her for half the year for the first 5 years of marriage. I don't think I could or would deal with that type of behavior.
The topic of monogamy was brought up to discuss whether or not humans have a natural tendency to be with just one person. Studies have shown that men and some women actually prefer to roam over their life span to explore avenues of intimacy with other people as opposed to simply being with just one. If you are considering marriage and monogamy you really ought to ask yourself if you are really built for it. In this modern day and age we can all have an a la carte marriage meaning you get to pick and choose what type of set up you wish to have, UNLESS you of course are religious and wish to follow its doctrine. Do you think people are naturally inclined for monogamy or do you think we just imprisionate ourselves within the confines of the traditional marriage til death do us part because of traditional, societal and religious laws?
The next item on the agenda was adult sexual education. One sex expert conducted experiments with college students, particularly male, with a model of the female genitalia. She asked the male to point out the clitoris and many could not tell her where it was. She concluded a couple things: 1. There are men out there engaging in sex and do not know where the clitoris is and therefore can not possibly be giving ecstasy and pleasure to their partners. 2. There are women out there engaging in sex and do not know where their clitoris is 3. There are women out there engaging in sex and are too afraid to tell their mate how to please them in order to achieve orgasm. Interesting huh?
Another relationship counselor suggested that we put TOO much emphasis on the idea of orgasm and not enough on the idea of intimacy. The overall goal doesn't have to be to have an orgasm when engaging in intimacy, you can enjoy one another without reaching your peak and be just as satisfied. If you think about it a couple who has been married for 50 years WILL have times of great sex, boring sex, uncomfortable sex, convenient sex, let's just have sex because the kids are asleep and we won't get another chance til the weekend sex etc etc If you tallied up all the times in your marriage that you didn't have an orgasm with your mate and determined you needed a divorce because you weren't sexually satisfied without taking into account all the other great areas of your life no one would be married for over 5 years, especially after children.
In terms of monogamy one of the gay advice columnist suggested that gay life has always been about partying and exploring your desires. They didn't always have the option to settle down, move to the suburbs, get married and have children like heterosexuals did. Now the roles are reversed, heteros are moving into the cities and living their party lives out in their 20s and 30s and waiting later in life to get married, move to the burbs and having children. I do agree that in life you ought to spend some time 'sowing your wild oats' this is not just a period of sexual discovery but also personal journey. I learned so much about myself in my 20s and had I went ahead and gave birth with a husband and juggling a career I might not be the liberated woman I am today.
My two cents:
Get to know what type of person you are and what kind of relationship you ultimately desire, there is someone out there who wants the same and you don't have to settle.
ASK ASK and ASK again don't just assume that the man you are with wants to be monogamous because you do. I got caught off guard dating a man and thinking I was the only one, that we were exclusive and he was talking to another chick on another coast for that entire time.
Don't let other peoples opinions about what you should be doing deter you from living how you want. You make the rules for your life.
