The Friendship Detox: How to Say Goodbye and Good Riddance
The drama queen. The attention addict. The 1 upper. The relentless pessimist. The exploiter. When poison pals infect your life, sometimes you just need to say goodbye—and good riddance.
The picture above of Carrie & Samantha is the perfect example of the "Hey Girl" greeting and yet that same woman talks about you behind your back to others. *side eye*
I live in Atlanta now but grew up in the South Bronx. One of my closest female friends lives back home and even though I don't get to see her but maybe once a year our friendship is more valuable to me than some I see more often. I'd rather see the true friend once a year than suffer a faux friend every day of the week just for the sake of having someone around. The deepest friendships have nothing to do with proximity; they aren't based on how long we've known each other but on how well we LOVE each other.
You can tell true friends anything and know they'd never belittle you especially in public, or think less of you, or write you off, or gossip, or use your past or current spasms of childishness/pettiness/insecurity/anger/fear against you. I'm talking about genuine affection and goodwill. I'm talking about protecting and sincerely celebrating each other. When you're most vulnerable, broke down, busted and disgusted with life these are the pals you can lean on.
Other friends, though, just aren't good for us, no matter how hard we try to make things work. I'm starting to think a frenemy can be exposed with a few easy questions:
Do you look forward to seeing this person, or do you consider it a chore?
Is she truly happy to see you, or do you suspect she wants something from you or needs to lord something over you?
Will you walk away from this meeting feeling good—or feeling manipulated, demeaned, poisoned, or played?
The damage can play out in a million different ways. A friendship terrorist knows you're trying to eat more nutritiously and exercise yet says, "You won't be able to handle it and offer you cheesecake for dessert after seeing you've consciously ordered a salad." You tell her about a project that excites you and can actually see her mind scrambling for a negative response. You get a new job after being unemployed for months and she says, "Sheesh, I'd rather be broke than work at that kind of job." You say this job takes you to Boston, a city you love, and she shrieks, "Boston? I hate Boston! How can you stand the cold?" This is also know as a 'hater' and yes I would love to see this word banished to the depths of the 'these can no longer be used again in life' cave.
Friendship is about collaboration, not domination. Because we should be stewards of each other's rooms, I am happy to help you keep yours clean, but life is too fleeting to let you continue trashing mine.
Does this ring a bell for you? It does for me. Breaking up with friends is hard especially when you've come to the realization that this person no longer suits your life interests but it is equally necessary to rid yourself of the extra baggage.
The important thing is to do a cost/benefit analysis of the situation: determine whether the vile and randomly evil side of this person is worth whatever it is you get out of the relationship. Can you escape their shit for extended periods or reality check their most cutting comments (e.g. they need to tell me I'm uncoordinated because they find my blazing intellect intimidating)? This is essential for your sanity and self-esteem, and also for your ability to objectively assess the relationship you have with this person.
You can start by slowly no longer calling, texting or seeing what they are doing this weekend. If they ask you tell them you're busy. If you are bold enough just have the talk and hopefully they will be understanding enough to not say something rude and just leave you be. Avoid temptation and simply delete their contacts from your phone and unfriend them on your social networking sites. These are the same steps you'd take to rid yourself of any other poison spreading a virus throughout your life so see it as becoming more healthy.
"Keep your friends close, but your frenemies closer". Personally, I don't have the energy for that stuff. It's uber draining, and all that plotting can become terribly tiresome. If you're spending more time nurturing the frenemy relationships in your life, you need to reassess your situation. The relationship will continue to bring you down - both self-esteem wise and in terms of self-respect. Life is too short for frenemies.
http://www.oprah.com
