How long are you going to keep this up? Seriously, I really want answers as to how much longer you are going to waddle around in those hideous loaf-of-bread looking mofos. I need an ETA because my patience, which you no-style having footwear abusers have been testing for years now, is running dangerously thin and I don’t have enough hands to bitch slap all of you.
I started this blog in November 2007 and one of my very first posts was about my hatred of Uggs, yet still, you persist. And it’s not even just about you not listening to me. I’m sure plenty of people have told you you look like a dickhead. So why do you never take heed? Your resistance of the inevitable is not respectable or cute, it’s just stupid.
I’ve heard all your excuses countless times before. ‘They’re comfortable’ – alright grandma, be sure to plaster those bunions up before you leave the house too. ‘They’re so warm!’ – Look, I don’t know where you think you’re living, but it’s hardly the arctic. I especially hate it when English Ugg wearers say that – it barely gets below 0 degrees celsius here – that ain’t cold! Eskimos don’t even wear Uggs. I spent three years living in Canada, enduring minus 35 degree temperatures, now THAT’S frikkin’ COLD and I still never resorted to Ugg boots! Lame excuse – next! ‘They’re comfortable’ – didn’t we cover this already?
I tell you what else I find particularly baffling – if I’m out and I see someone wearing the same thing as me, I find it a little cringeworthy. That just doesn’t register for you huh? In a ten minute time span, I can see upwards of 20 girls (and the occasional gay man) wearing Uggs – I wish I was joking. Why are you so content to have zero imagination and look like everyone else? Oh wait, it can’t be that you think you look good. It’s not, right? ‘Cause you look like an idiot. You do know that, don’t you? You look like a no-style having douchette.
You can’t even walk in those things. You waddle. And you wear them so much you’re not even walking on the soles anymore – you’re walking on the side of the boot. In which universe exactly do you think that looks good? And while it is just charming that you always choose to team them with your pajama bottoms or a pair of leggings that show off your ass crack and cameltoe, rest assured, you will not be making it onto any ‘Best Dressed’ lists anytime soon.
If your feet are cold, wear an extra pair of socks, don’t allow suede and excessive amounts of sheepskin to throw up on your feet. If you want to be comfy, suck it up, wear some proper footwear and be comfy when you get home and take them off. Uggs are over, they’ve run their course (and run over it, reversed back over it, Compton drive-by-shooting’d it…). It’s time for you to put a little effort into finding some new footwear. That actually looks good. That won’t make people fly into a bitch slapping frenzy. No go forth and shop!
Sincerely,
Bangs
xoxo
